I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Dicks are not precious.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
