something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
