The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
