Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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