Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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