He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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