my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
