my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
this beer tastes like vomit already
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
