I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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