Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
high people should be assigned attendants
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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