Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
