My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
