My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
