I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
