Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
