you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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