There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
