His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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