The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
