I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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