I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
