I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
