My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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