I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
