At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
