I like my sex mixed with concussions.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
