i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
