every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
