I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
