Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
