shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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