I hate your face
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
