The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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