okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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