Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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