There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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