I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
