Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
