something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
