he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just want to make out with him forever
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
