i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
