capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
