Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
