honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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