captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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