Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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