Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
