is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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