I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
