I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
