So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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