My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
